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Relationships That Hurt Us

On December 19th, 2018

Posted In:
Mindset | vlog

What if I asked you the question, “Who has hurt you the most in your life?” I will tell you that most people have a fast answer to that and we're going to talk about that in today's video.

I’m Stacy Rocklein and I help people write new love stories about themselves so that they can stop living behind a wall and they can start to live a life deeply connected to people who love them for who they really are.

So you're asked the question, “Who has hurt you the most?” And people have an answer. Often there's one person that has done a huge amount of damage and we work with that in the 21-Day Heart Cleanse because we can have that so stuck within us that we can't move forward because of those pains. We haven't released the pain or it has caused us to believe something that is not helping us bring love into our lives or bring the right kind of love into our lives.

And how does it happen? You've got somebody in your life and they're usually pretty close, like a parent or a spouse or a sibling, and you want love from them. You want their love. You feel like in this relationship they should love you. And what happens is that they don't. They don't show you love the way you think they should show it, the way you need to be shown, the way you want it. So what you end up with really is… it’s not a good love match. You guys don't line up there. Now it's very possible that they have done cruel things, that they have rejected you, abandoned you, ignored you, all kinds of things. They may not even love you. That is a possibility. And you want it.

What they're giving is not what you need. And it's like a magnet, okay? You're putting the two wrong ends together. There's nothing wrong with either magnet, it's just that this is not a good match. They don't go together. So they're responsible for what they did. They're responsible for their actions. But you're responsible for what happens to you when they do those things.

We get into a situation where we have to decide whose fault it is. Is it them or is it us? Now, it’s very, very painful for it to be us. We don't want to think it's because we're unworthy and that's why they're not loving us the right way, so we start to tell ourselves a story about them. And as we're telling the story, we're putting a lens on everything that they do. We're seeing it in a certain light. Maybe the story you've told yourself is that that person is just selfish or that person is crazy or that person is mean.

Whatever the story is, you make it the reason for how they are and that it's not you. And everything they do is seen through that filter. They can ask a simple question like, “Are you going to wear that?” And you can hear, “Are you going to wear THAT?!” Because you have the filter of them being mean on.

It makes us feel better because then it's not about us. It's just like, “Oh, they're just being crazy or selfish or mean or whatever.” Then we never have to acknowledge that we don't feel loved by somebody we want to feel loved by. This changes every single new experience and it adds to all the hurts. You already have all the hurt and now because of the lens you're wearing, you're just adding to the list of grievances about this person and what they have done. Look, they did another one. Look, see that. And we just keep adding and adding and adding.

But really here's the deal. You can stop this right now going forward for all your new experiences with this person. You can simply acknowledge and tell yourself this is not a good love match. We are like those two magnets that are just faced the wrong way. We don't go together this way. This might be somebody that's in your life all the time right now and that you see regularly. Instead of deciding it's because they're this thing so that you don't have to feel that you weren't loved or aren't being loved, you can just say, “We're just not a good love match.”

We're just not a good love match allows you to kind of unstick yourself from that situation so that it doesn't have to be a continuing experience of more hurt and more hurt. That's what you can do going forward.

Now, if you want to really clear out the stuff in the back, the stuff that's happened in the past… if you can feel that you're really stuck, you might want to do something like the 21-Day Heart Cleanse. Our next one starts on January 2 and you can learn more about that at stacyrocklein.com/heart cleanse. You can start to dig up and release the hurts that they've caused you and anything else that's residually left there from your experiences with them so that you can really love yourself going forward.

And if that person is in your life all the time, I highly, highly recommend that experience so that you don't have obstacles to living forward and loving forward. Thank you for watching. I'll see you next time.

Interested in joining the next 21-Day Heart Cleanse? You can do that here.

You can also find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. If you'd like to sign up for my biweekly newsletter, The Love List, scroll to the bottom of the page.

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