On September 30th, 2019 by Stacy

The Choice is Yours

Posted In:
blog | Connection

Every once in a while, we need to do a relationship inventory.
This type of inventory depends on what we want to measure, and today I invite you to measure your feeling of choice vs. obligation. Technically, we are the ones deciding to be in every single one of our relationships. It just doesn’t always feel that way. But choice is much more empowering than a sense that something’s been thrust on you, so let’s get to it.

Grab some paper and a pencil and read on.

Make a list of every major relationship in your life.
Who do you interact with or think about an hour or more a week? Write down family members, friends, coworkers, clients, etc…

Write one of the following letters next to each relationship.
“C” for choice if you know beyond a doubt that you are choosing to be in this relationship. You WANT to show up for it.

“O” for obligation if you feel like you have to show up to this relationship but it feels more like a chore. Don’t hem and haw about it. Just make the first choice that comes to mind.

The goal isn’t to focus on what’s wrong but rather to think about how you can make some energetic shifts in your life. First, I want you to give a happy little thank you to the universe for every one of those “C”s. You attracted those circumstances and you deserve to enjoy them.

Now, I want you to look at each of the “O” relationships and ask yourself this question.

What would have to change for me to move this into the “C” list?

Actually, that’s not exactly the question I want you to ask. You might start to think of all the ways the other person could change that would make the relationship more comfortable or pleasant. But our job here is not to change other people. All we really have control over are our own behaviors and actions.

Here’s the real question.
What can you do right now to make this relationship feel more like a choice than an obligation?

What do you need to say “no” to? What boundary do you need to put in place? What do you need to stop tolerating going forward?

You 100% have control over this, but I’m not going to tell you it’s easy. Disappointing people, having hard conversations, and challenging the “way it’s always been done” are nobody’s favorite thing to do. It’s just that we only have so many hours in a week and not all hours are created equal. That hour snort-laughing with your girlfriend is worth a lot more than an hour listening to your coworker complain about her life.

Let’s not leave the exercise here though, where it only happened on paper.
Awareness without action is just painful. Commit to that action, my friend.

And if you get really ambitious, you can go to the next tier. Who are all the other people in your life? The ones you may not spend time with on a weekly basis but still have an impact on your energy? Are they “C”s or “O”s? What can you do to shift that?

This can be hard but powerful work, so I’m going to give you a little silver lining. The people who love us can be surprisingly adaptable. They can feel your energy and feeling like a “C” feels way better than feeling like an “O.” Give them the chance to create something new with you that makes you feel excited about the connection.

If you want some support, come join our Facebook group here. If you need a coach to help you make a massive shift or even an exit when termination is the healthiest option, I’m always a direct message away.

 

Come say hi! You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. For resources and inspiration delivered right to your inbox sign up for Love Even Though, my biweekly newsletter.

On August 5th, 2019 by Stacy

The Power of Virtual Community

Posted In:
blog | Connection

I’ve spent the last couple of years building communities on Facebook.
Most of them have been temporary. They were put in place as support for people going through my 21-Day Heart Cleanse. They’ve been really amazing groups of (mostly) women with the courage to be vulnerable, honest, and best of all, loving to each another. It’s because of those groups that I was inspired to create a more permanent community with ongoing access to that same kind of love and support.

Gilded Hearts is one of my proudest creations and probably the thing I’m most excited about. But I can’t take all the credit. The brilliant people in the group are what make it so special. I’m honored to be a part of their lives.

Everybody needs a safe place to be accepted and loved AS IS. Period.
If you’ve got this going on in your life already, celebrate what a blessing that is. For those of you who don’t, I want to share the five main things I’ve tried to model as a way to cultivate our community.

1. We will keep your secrets.
What happens in Gilded Hearts stays in Gilded Hearts. Your shares are confidential and we will honor you by holding them dear.

2. We will not judge you.
Our job is to love you through all your actions and through all the things that happen to you. We are here so you can say the things you can’t share with your spouse, sister, or best friend. You don’t have to worry about us passing judgment. You don’t have to worry about how your share makes us feel. You get to be you, completely unfiltered.

3. We will show up for you.
No crickets allowed. If you post it, we will come. It may take a minute for us to respond, but we show up for each other no matter what.

4. We believe in you.
Even when, no especially when, you can’t believe in yourself. We trust that you know the answers. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to sort yourself out, take the actions, and be the change in your life. That being said, we will be there to brainstorm with you, share resources with you, validate you, cheer you on, and hold you accountable if you want us to. When all is said and done though, we know you’ve got this.

5. We will learn beside you.
In a nutshell, we are students of ourselves. The only way to make consistent personal growth is to actively engage in the examination, awareness, and understanding of who we are. We share ourselves with each other as a way to connect and help each other grow.

Truthfully, most relationships don’t have all five of those things in place. Wouldn’t it be great if they did? We’d all be walking around feeing seen, accepted, and loved.

Don’t feel bad if your partnerships are falling short. Totally normal! But with a little mindfulness, you can begin to nudge them in the right direction by starting with yourself. Here’s a little quiz to figure out how you’re doing in a relationship…

Am I keeping their secrets?
Am I accepting them without judgment?
Am I showing up when they need me?
Am I confident they know how to thrive?
Am I committed to growing beside them?

If you answered no to any of those, that’s information. It points you in the direction of your work.

If you know you need a community like this in your life and you want to know more about Gilded Hearts, send me a quick email (stacy@stacyrocklein.com) and I will tell you all about it.

Let's connect! You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. For resources and inspiration delivered right to your inbox sign up for Love Even Though, my biweekly newsletter.

On May 15th, 2019 by Stacy

I've Been a Bad Friend

Posted In:
blog | Connection

In this lifetime, I haven’t been very good at emotions.
Not feeling them, not identifying them, and definitely not sharing them. Much of my personal work has focused on this area and that last one about sharing my emotions is a huge stretch for me. It’s just so freaking hard to make myself vulnerable. But I’m trying.

When you’re afraid of strong emotions, you come up with all kinds of ways to avoid them. Not just your own emotions either. You also have tactics for steering away from other people’s feelings if for some reason you weren’t able to avoid them in the first place.

As I force myself to share how I feel so I can have intimate connections with the people in my life, I’ve learned some things. One is that I’ve been a bad friend. Like being handed a mirror, I recognize myself in some of the responses I get that don’t feel good. I’m also learning how lonely it feels when the other person doesn’t connect with you during your moment of vulnerability.

Here are some of the maneuvers I would use (and let’s be honest, still do sometimes).

Reassurance. Hoping it will help you feel good instantly, I launch into a pep talk about how great you are or how you handled it fine or how you can do this(!).

Solution. I start throwing out pieces of advice about what you should do so we can focus on a plan that will make you feel better instead of how you feel right now.

Reframe. I tell you how if we just look at the situation a little differently, then you don’t even have to feel the unpleasant emotions at all.

Share. I find some similar situation in my own data bank of personal stories and tell you all the details so we can just stay on the surface and avoid the emotions underneath our experiences.

I think I’m helping. I think I’m connecting. But I’m not. I know that now. As I force myself to be vulnerable and share when I’m in pain, I have felt how those responses make me feel like my emotions are wrong and I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do.

I get why I do it. I’m trying to move us both away from painful emotions and into “safer” territory. I feel so uncomfortable that I assume the other person is too, and don’t we all just want to get the heck out of there?!

Those maneuvers don’t just invalidate the other person’s emotions though. They also don’t acknowledge that this is the other person’s experience and they are the ones to decide what we should do. Moving us out of that vulnerable place isn’t my job when the other person is in pain.

Being on the other side of it now, I realize that I usually just want the other person to listen. I’m scared enough to share. The last thing I want is for the other person to be scared, too. I want them to hold some space for me and not fill it up. I want them to see me without grabbing my hand and trying to haul us both out. These are the things that make me feel connected and loved. That’s the friend I wish I’d been and want to be now.

Let's connect! You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. For resources and inspiration delivered right to your inbox sign up for The Love List, my biweekly newsletter.

On April 17th, 2019 by Stacy

Five Ways to Keep your Cool in an Argument

Posted In:
blog | Connection

You can walk into a conversation with the most loving intentions but when the other person pushes your buttons, it’s all too easy to fall into an unhealthy trap.

Having an auto-response (even just to repeat in your head) can be incredibly helpful for staying on the high-energy road, even when the other person’s response threatens to drag you down. Here are some common tricky situations and what to do to keep yourself centered.

They try to engage you in a fight.
People prefer what they know, especially when they are triggered. If communication between the two of you has historically ended in a fight, the other person may want to pull you both back into that familiar scenario. Also, energy likes company. If they feel miserable, they will want you to drop down into that misery energy with them.

Breaking patterns is one of the toughest things to do in a relationship, especially one that has a long history. If the other person isn’t on board, you carry the bigger burden. But even if they never join you in your intention, you can break your own pattern by not engaging.

RESPONSE: I love us too much to fight.

They shut down and disconnect.
Everyone handles situations differently depending on their fear response. Some people fight. Some people flee. When the other person withdraws, it’s likely they are wrapped up in their own emotional reaction. Unfortunately at that point, they may not be able to hear what you are trying to communicate. Also, feedback can be really threatening for people who are easily triggered when they think they’ve done something “wrong.” System shut down is a common response to feelings of unworthiness.

The purpose of communication needs to be for connection and not to point out wrongness. As long as that remains the focus, there is less likelihood of triggering the other person.

RESPONSE: I am expressing myself, because I want to stay connected.

They keep dragging up the past.
Some people feel like the best defense is a good offense. If there isn’t anything to grab onto in the moment to use as an attack, they might bring up something old that they think you did wrong. It’s just a deflection technique.

It could also mean there are unresolved events still causing pain in the present. That’s worth a mindful look at some point. Clearing it up by forgiving and learning from it may put it to rest. However, this moment is for this conversation and it’s important to maintain focus on that rather than get confused and distracted.

RESPONSE: I’m focused on only this right now.

The calmer you are, the more out of control they become.
Sometimes people mistake a calm demeanor as a dismissive one or as quiet judgement, and people do interesting things when they feel ignored. They may double their efforts to be heard by screaming, swearing, and spinning out of control. The more non-reactive you are, the more judged they feel and the more self-judgement they engage in. It’s all just what’s going on in their own mind though.

In order to remain connected, you have to stay and allow. Abandoned is the last thing somebody who has lost it wants to feel in their “crazy” moment. That feels like the ultimate judgement.

RESPONSE: I am loving and will not turn away.

They reject your apology.
The other person may either outright refuse to accept it or energetically reject it by remaining disconnected. People reject apologies for a number of reasons…they don’t believe them, they don’t trust that things will change, they want to punish the other person, etc… As long as the apology is sincere and done properly (without justifications/rationalizations/qualifiers/blame) with an honest intention to change behavior, the other person’s response is their business.

When we’ve hurt someone else, we’ve hurt ourselves in the process because it’s painful to cause someone else’s suffering. By apologizing, we are owning our responsibility and attempting to reconnect. It’s very important that we forgive ourselves in the process, also. That way, we can still release ourselves from an experience even when the other person wants to tether us to it.

RESPONSE: I can forgive myself and move on.

We aren’t always on the same page as our partner, but that doesn’t mean we can’t bring our best selves to the tough conversations. Having helpful little tools like auto-responses are a way for us to keep growing, keep loving, and stay connected to ourselves and our loved ones.

Let's connect! You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. If you'd like to sign up for my biweekly newsletter, The Love List, scroll to the bottom of the page. 

On January 15th, 2019 by Stacy

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Posted In:
blog | Connection

I’ve lived with a liar.
It changes you. It robs you of your natural instinct to trust in others. If you’re exposed to it early in life or for too long, your natural instinct will change. You will begin to expect lies and deceit rather than the truth and honesty. It’s a birthplace of lifelong trust issues.

If I suspect a loved one has lied to me, I struggle to hold my tongue. And when I don’t, it goes like this: I challenge, they defend, the lie grows bigger, they feel there’s no turning back, and we’re in a big fight with our heels dug in on opposite sides. They can’t come clean now. I can’t let it go. It definitely is not the healthiest pattern, and certainly not a loving one.

When it comes to friendships, lying is usually a deal-breaker for me. If I’ve heard you lie to someone else, you will probably lie to me eventually. Same goes for talking trash about people, icing others out of a group, ghosting a friend, etc… I used to think I was the exception, the one person they would never do these things to. I have since learned that there are no exceptions, only a pattern of behavior.

Loving someone who lies and deceives you is heartbreaking.
You want to believe them so badly but you get burned when you do. You love them so much it hurts to not trust them. And they’re usually pretty good at convincing you that you are the problem. You are the one who doesn’t love enough to believe them. It’s hard to have the choices of either challenging them or ignoring the lies. One starts a fight and the other feels a little too much like they pulled it off.

The worst part is knowing this person you love so much hates themselves. And believe me, people who lie carry around a lot of self-loathing. They hate that they do it. They hate that they can’t seem to stop, even lying about completely insignificant things. They hate themselves for trying to convince you it’s your fault you don’t trust them. They hate themselves for creating a false world where they are trapped by their own actions.

It’s painful to love them unconditionally. You are angry and hurt. You lose respect for them. You withhold love from them to protect yourself. But here is what I’ve learned and not always been good at putting into practice. They need more love than ever and you have to figure out how to love while being lied to. I don’t mean saying screw boundaries. Boundaries are crucial when dealing with someone who lies.

But you still need to love.
Not just deep in your own heart where they can’t actually feel it. They need to feel it openly and generously. It’s their only way out. They need honesty and truth from you but also love, because they’ve built a false life and they’re being poisoned by it. Loving them is the only gift to give when you’re not willing to play their game. Truly loving them unconditionally is the light that can keep the darkness from swallowing them up.

Here’s my advice (and I tell you this as I remind myself). You don’t have to call them out, tell them you believe them, or hold your tongue. Just say I love you. I love you too much to engage in this. Here is my boundary. It’s a behavior boundary. It’s not a love boundary. I love you no matter what.


Let's connect! You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. If you'd like to sign up for my biweekly newsletter,
The Love List, scroll to the bottom of the page.

On December 4th, 2018 by Stacy

Disney vs The Matrix

Posted In:
blog | Connection

There’s a reason we all love Disney movies.
Okay, there are a lot of reasons. But I think one of them is that they are so tidy. Not like our regular messy lives. Good guys are good guys and bad guys are bad guys.

The princes and princesses are the clear heroes. They’re just good through and through. They might be rebellious, but it always works out to be just what the situation needs. Even if they lose their temper (ahem, Frozen), it’s not really their fault.

And the villains? They are bad through and through, too. It’s not like they are mostly bad but have this or that endearing quality. They are pure evil.

Disney movies never ask us to acknowledge some of the villain’s “good” qualities. They aren’t good guys just making bad choices. Like, “Oh she just poisons people because she had a really hard childhood, but did you know she volunteers at the local animal shelter?” They’re all the way bad. They also never require us to give a certifiable screw-up hero status. The cussing loudmouth doesn’t get to be the hero. The dingy one? Always the sidekick.

It’s all fine for pretend.
But. Sometimes we get trapped in this same fairy tale story in our lives. We keep neat little categories for the villains and the heroes.

You know what else is a good movie? The Matrix. This movie is a little different (and if you haven’t seen it… I don’t know how that happened for you. I’m sorry. But it’s not too late). This movie is about reality. The good, the bad, and everything in between. People actually choose to live a more difficult existence just because it’s real. It’s authentic. THEY are authentic.

When people take my 21-Day Heart Cleanse course, they are basically willing to confront the truth so that they can live authentically. They are walking away from the make-believe world of the Matrix and Disney all at once. Here’s what that can look like though.

The villains we have? Often not quite as “bad” as we made them out to be.
And the heroes? Well, let’s just say that they aren’t the Disney version we might have given them credit for.

It can be a little unsettling. We’ve grown used to the tidy black and white categories. He’s bad and she’s good. Then we go and love the good ones and reject the bad ones. So simple! But also unfair. And incredibly conditional.

If you want to really love your heroes, I mean REALLY love them, you’re going to have to welcome in their failings and screw-ups. It’s not Disney. They are real live humans making real live human mistakes. Just like you. Just like me. And just like the villains.

That’s the other side of accepting reality. Your heart will inevitably soften toward your villains. If you let it anyway.

And if you do, here’s the coolest part. You, my friend, have a little bit of villain in you too. We all do. Practicing acceptance of others is how you practice acceptance of yourself. A necessary pre-requisite for unconditional love.

Disney is a lovely escape. It’s a predictable and comforting way to view life. But living in reality is truth, authenticity, and the only real shot we have at fully, deeply, and completely loving ourselves and the people in our lives.

Hey, let's connect! I'd love to hear from you. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. If you'd like to sign up for my biweekly newsletter, The Love List, scroll to the bottom of the page.

On July 10th, 2018 by Stacy

Why Won't You Get Mad with Me?

Posted In:
blog | Connection

The other day I was accused of “refusing to engage in mutual outrage”. Now at first glance, this seems to align pretty well with my values. I don’t like feeling outraged. Outrage has all kinds of things that I would rather not participate in…negativity, criticism, judgment, rage. I find that kind of energy incredibly draining and my response is to turn away from it as fast as I can. No problem, right?

Well actually, kind of a problem. At least for me and where I am in a very important relationship because I think what the person was really getting at was that I was refusing to connect. By rejecting the attempt to engage me, I was in some way, rejecting that person.

When setting boundaries becomes the problem.
Some people need to learn to set healthy boundaries. But not me. I’m very good at setting boundaries. Maybe a little too good, actually. My challenge is the opposite right now. I am working on removing my guards, loosening my borders, and not being so quick to draw lines.

I didn’t have to pick up a pitchfork, but I didn’t have to be dismissive either. I think the piece that was missing was an acknowledgement. What I was doing was refusing to “see” the other person, because I am afraid the energy might be negative.

Based on absolutely no evidence other than my extreme discomfort around anger, I concluded a long time ago that if I engage someone’s rage of any kind (even outrage), it will just add fuel to the fire and create an inferno that is going to consume me. So my compulsion is to run and if I can’t physically get away, I withdraw.

What I have are “unhealthy boundaries” that I’ve put in place out of fear of being hurt by someone else or getting sucked into their energy vortex. But that causes me to turn away from people instead of running toward them.

Unconditional acceptance.
Intellectually I know that by acknowledging a loved one's "negative" emotions means they won’t have to keep fanning their own flames to get my attention. I just somehow haven’t put that into practice enough in my own personal life. But I’m working on it. I’m trying to stay. I’m trying to turn toward. Even when I’m afraid.

Here is why.

Sometimes, you are in a relationship with a person who is going through a challenging time. You know they’ll come through it (probably), but being in it with them is super unpleasant. I don’t want to abandon my loved ones when they are in that moment, in that negative energetic space. I mean I want to but I don’t want to want to, if that makes sense.

What I really needed to do for that person and for the people I love is to acknowledge their outrage (or whatever other emotion they are feeling that is making me uncomfortable), to see them rather than dismiss them, to connect with them rather than to reject them, to turn toward rather than away.

That’s the loving choice for me right now. And it’s a departure from what is so often talked about in personal development. True, we need healthy boundaries. True, we reflect the energy we surround ourselves with. But isn’t it also true that we all have shadows and dark times and want more than anything to be seen then? Bumping up against someone’s fortress in our painful moments is the last thing we need. So I’m working on taking mine down so that I can love more fully. I might not engage in a mutual outrage, but I will at least try to acknowledge yours.

Hey, let's connect! I'd love to hear from you. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. If you'd like to sign up for my weekly newsletter, The Love List, scroll to the bottom of the page.

On May 8th, 2018 by Stacy

How to Find the ONE

Posted In:
blog | Connection

Universal Yearning
We all want to be accepted. We all want to belong. We all want to be loved. I know that about you, because I know that about me. It's our human nature. These are the desires that drive our actions.

We were not meant to make this life journey alone and in isolation. And yet, we so often choose to do so. Sometimes people say they want love and connection but instead of going out and finding it, they stay in their heads and in their houses waiting. Waiting for it to come. Waiting for it to arrive on their doorstep. And while that may feel safe, it isn’t going to work.

If you really want it, YOU are the one who needs to make it happen. I know that it isn’t easy. It takes courage to take a risk knowing that you might get rejected.

But I also know that it only takes one. One new friend can open up your entire world. They may not be THE ONE, but please do not dismiss people too quickly. If they are not THE ONE, they might be the person who introduces you to THE ONE. Or introduces you to their brother who introduces you to his best friend who runs into a colleague that shares a similar interest with you and before you know it, THE ONE will show up in your life.

Tribal Longing
When I first moved to Boise, I knew nobody. Not a soul. We moved right before Thanksgiving and winter came fast. In my neighborhood, that means that everyone goes into hibernation. But I didn’t know that at the time. It just felt like a ghost town to me. Plus, I worked from home so it was just me and my one-year-old. I remember standing at the front door waving goodbye to my visiting family as they drove away after Christmas. As the car turned the corner and disappeared out of sight, I was hit with a devastating realization. I was completely alone. I cried for the rest of the day.

But after I was done with my little pity party, I vowed to find a friend. And I knew that if I was going to find the ONE (or ones), I was going to have to start by meeting people. I was sure that I would eventually find my crew but they were not going to trudge through the snow to my front door and find me.

So I signed my little toddler up for music and gymnastics classes, showed up to every story hour at the library, searched for and joined random playgroups, and said yes to every invite that came my way. I also did the hardest thing of all which was to actually start conversations with people. It wasn’t going to be enough to just show up. I had to show up and connect.

Most of the time, it didn’t work out. I met lots of nice people I knew were not MY people. But guess what happened? I also met women who are my inner circle fourteen years later. I met the women who would feed my family through two difficult pregnancies, who would drop everything to rush to my aid, who I would laugh with and cry with, and who would nurture me through all of the phases of my life.

Take a Leap
You just have to stop waiting and go find your one. Start anywhere, start somewhere. Sign up for classes, join groups, say yes. You’ll find them eventually, but it’s not magic.

Here are the four steps you’ll need to take.

  1. You have to believe that they are out there. I promise that they are, but YOU have to believe it. Will you meet plenty of people that are not for you? Yes. But remember, they just might lead you to the one. It was my unshakable belief that I would eventually find my people that kept me hauling myself and my child out of the house all winter long. I knew it would eventually pay off. You have to believe that though. That is how you get through the rejections and the wrong fits.
  2. Make the decision to get up, get out, and go searching. Mine didn’t magically show up and unfortunately, yours aren’t going to either. It is up to you to find them.
  3. You have to look for your people where your people are. I was looking for young moms and putting myself in places where they hang out. It doesn’t make sense to hang out at the gym all day waiting for that person who likes knitting as much as you. You have to go where the knitters are. If you are looking for a single guy and all you see around you are women, you are not in the right place for what you seek. That being said, the simple rule is you want to be doing the things you love and doing those things with other people as much as possible.
  4. Take the first step and start the conversation. Put your phone down, take out your earbuds, get your nose out of the book, and connect with the people around you. It’s not enough to just show up. You’ve got to stretch yourself and make that first contact.

Not everybody was blessed with a big family or a group of friends that found them or the perfect partner that seemed to have just shown up out of thin air. But everybody deserves all the love that comes with those things. So go out and get yours, my friend.

 

Hey, let's connect! I'd love to hear from you. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

If you're interested in joining the next 21-Day Heart Cleanse, you can find info on that here.

And if you'd like to sign up for my weekly newsletter, The Love List, scroll to the bottom of the page.

On April 24th, 2018 by Stacy

How to deal with the silent treatment

Posted In:
blog | Connection

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment, you know it feels awful. You’ve been iced out and it can feel like it is up to you to make the first move.

We want to close the gap.

In your mind, that feels like a major step. It’s risky to know you might be the one in hot water. It’s scary to invite someone to share their negative emotions with you. However, it is a very important and courageous step to take in our relationships. Your ego is going to be kicking and screaming the whole time, because it is so resistant to anything that will make you feel bad. But you might march forward anyway and bravely ask the big question, “What’s wrong?”

Ever get this answer? “Nothing.”

Wait, what? Here you are feeling vulnerable and scared and this is what the other person comes back with?

This is what I think is going on when that happens. Despite the fact that you won the battle with your ego and chose to approach the person, you are actually asking them to take the bigger risk. You didn’t have to share anything. You didn’t tell them how you were feeling. You didn’t offer up anything other than a question. Your courage was all internal. They are the ones who have to take the external step and actually say something aloud.

They have to be willing to share their pain. And if someone is hurt, they are probably feeling rejected. Why in the world would they welcome another potential rejection? Simply answering that question might make them feel too vulnerable.

Plus, we added a layer of judgement by using the word “wrong”. It automatically positions them as right and whatever has happened (maybe you) as wrong. That might create an obstacle to a love-based conversation. We have a much better shot at connected communication when we leave right/wrong out of it. Those types of exchanges just end in blame and fault rather than at the feelings behind what happened.

What if we try a different approach?
Let’s lead with vulnerability and love. Share how you are feeling and then ask something more neutral.

  • I’m worried that I hurt your feelings when I… What’s going on?
  • I feel sad that you are not talking to me and really want to hear what you have to say. What’s going on?
  • I don’t feel connected to you but I really want to be. What’s going on?

It’s probably not going to be a much bigger step for you since you already made the decision to inquire. But the change in approach can be huge. By adding in your feelings you are sending the following messages…

  1. I care about you and our relationship.
  2. I am open to whatever you might need to share.
  3. I want to hear about how what happened made you feel.

The more we practice opening conversations in this way, the less scary it is to approach the person in the first place.

The silent treatment is used either because the person isn’t ready to share or they are trying to punish you for an injustice. Approaching with your feelings and a neutral question can be helpful in both situations. After all, we just want to re-establish that connection and get love flowing again. Sometimes, we have to be the first one to jump in and how we do it can make a huge difference.

 

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