This is My Vulnerability Project.
I’m having a little bit of a heartache that I want to share with you.
My oldest son has a driver’s permit. That means that we are in the car a lot together, even more than we used to be when I was driving him around constantly. Now, he’s always up for driving. So we’ve been spending a lot of time together and if you are a parent, then you know that some of the best moments are times when you are in the car. You have some awesome conversations. He’s driving, so he’s not on his phone and his attention is actually available. It’s been lovely.
And then it dawned on me that at the end of this, he’s going to have a driver’s license. This driver’s license is going to mean that he can go wherever he needs to go without me. Suddenly all of the moments we have in the car together (over the last fifteen years) are going to disappear.
And then I went straight to…he’s only going to be here (most likely) for three more years. He’s not going to wake up every day in this house anymore. When he comes back, it’s going to be to visit. That is going to be the end of this phase of our relationship.
That just hits me hard every time I think about it. I feel grief, sadness, sorrow, and panic.
But the interesting thing about that little heartache is that it’s not attached to this moment. It’s me projecting to a future moment where I’m going to have to go through a grieving process.
Sometimes we do that. We attach to something that we anticipate will happen in the future or we think about something that has been long gone, and we go live that grief that isn’t a “now” grief. It’s hard enough to go through grief at the time. Why would we put ourselves through that over and over when it’s not the time anymore or not the time yet?
But I do it. When I recognize that, this is how I pull myself out. Yes indeed, I will get to experience that at some point and I will have no option then. So I don’t need to do that now.
I’m hoping he turns into a total jerk sauce so that I’ll be ready for him to get out, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I think it’s going to be a full-on grieving process. AND I think I’d like to do it just the one time.
So that’s how I shake it when I am overwhelmed with by those feelings that come up. When that happens, I think…
It’s not right now. The present time is not the time to feel that grief. That day is coming for me.
Just thought I’d share that for those of you who do that…live in a past moment or an anticipated future. And I’d like to acknowledge those of you who are currently in a grieving process. Now is the time for you to experience it, and it’s not easy.