Hello friends, today’s video is about anger, anger as a crutch that we use to protect us from feeling what we are really, really feeling and how it is a connection killer.
I’m Stacy Rocklein and I help people who want to keep their emotions private and their inner world protected, but also want deep intimate connections with the people in their lives to open up their hearts so that they can create those loving connections.
So anger sometimes is an emotion that we feel. I mean that is perfectly normal for us to get angry at times, but sometimes it’s a cover emotion and I know that very well because I used it that way for a long time. I was actually so immature that I didn’t even know I was feeling other emotions. It was always angry, angry, angry. That was my response. Anytime something happened to me. It hurt my feelings, I get mad. I’m afraid, I get mad.
So what you’re doing when you’re using anger that way is you are protecting yourself from feeling emotions that are more vulnerable. And they’re not going away. It’s not like, oh, I don’t want to feel that, so I’m going to feel angry. Instead you’re shoving them down. They’re not going anywhere. You’re going to carry those around.
You’re shoving them down and you’re responding with anger because anger feels good. It feels like it’s protective. You’re going to stand up for yourself. You’re going to attack first. You’re doing something. It feels like an action. You’re not just taking it. You’re out getting angry and it’s protective in that way, but aside from the problem that you’re not feeling your emotions so that you can run through that course and release them, they’re waiting for you. They will resurface.
You’re also killing your connections because nobody wants to be around angry. Nobody likes anger. The minute you get mad, people just scatter. Unless you’ve got someone else who is angry and then you’ve got a nice little battle there for you, it’s done alone. People don’t want to partner with you and your anger, so that means that you have to process it by yourself. And so you’re not even processing the emotions that you’re actually feeling. And now you’re alone.
And this is not what we want for a life that’s filled with loving connections. So what you need to do in that case is be willing to get vulnerable, to put the crutch down, put anger aside as a protective response and ask yourself, “OK, what am I feeling right now?”
And that might be surprisingly difficult to do. I remember looking up a list of the emotions, if they’re not anger. There were so many that I didn’t even know them. I didn’t even use those words. I’m just mad.
But sometimes I was humiliated and sometimes I was anxious and sometimes I was ashamed and sometimes I was grieving. I mean I had all these complex, vulnerable emotions that I needed to first figure out how to identify. What is it?
So you stop and you put the anger aside and you ask yourself, “What am I really feeling here?” And you give yourself permission to feel it because as you feel it, you’re going to go through it and then you’re going to release it. If you stuff it, it’s going to come back up or it’s going to affect you in other ways and you’re going to have to eventually deal with it. If you want to grow, it can’t be just avoided forever. You can’t just distract away from it or use anger as your cop out.
So then you feel your feelings and then connect with somebody because people do want to partner with you when you’re feeling vulnerable emotions. Vulnerability is how we connect. We have to be willing to expose ourselves in those scary times in order for people to connect with us. And they want to. We all want to. We all want to be there for somebody on their journey and walk with them as they’re experiencing those hard emotions. Much more so than if they’re feeling angry.
You know, if somebody is telling you that they’re really feeling sadness and rejection and they’re talking to you about that, you want to help. And when they’re just venting and raging and getting angry, what is your response? For most of us, it’s no thank you. I don’t want that.
So if like me, you have used or use anger as a protective crutch for feeling your real emotions, I invite you to try to set it aside, figure out what you’re feeling, give yourself permission to feel it, and reach out and make a connection to somebody. Invite them into your vulnerable moments and have a partner to have that experience with.
That is how we get love flowing in our lives. It’s scary. Anger feels safer, but that’s not what we’re here for. We’re here to connect and to love.
So thank you for watching. And your comments and your likes are how I am able to get my message of love out to a bigger audience. And so I really appreciate that very much. Let’s all try to spread this message of love and if you know somebody who needs to hear this, please share it with them. I look forward to next time. Thank you.