This video is about what happens when love is withheld from us, especially in important relationships, and what we can do about it.
Let’s talk about important relationships. I mean the ones that are pretty significant like our parents, our siblings, our spouses or romantic relationships, our children. Sometimes in those relationships love is withheld from us or we are just not loved as much or the way we wanted to be loved.
And it just happens. Sometimes other people don’t know how to love us enough or don’t know how to love us the way we want to be loved, because they don’t know how. They haven’t learned that. Sometimes people can’t. They’re so wrapped up in their own stuff that they’re not able to connect lovingly with other people.
But when it happens, regardless of what the circumstances are, it hurts. It is very very painful. There are different responses we can have, but I want to tell you today about the way I responded to that.
I have had relationships in my life where I wanted love. I wanted more love than I received. And it hurt. What I did with that is I decided to build a wall. That is very common. Lots of people do that.
So I build a wall, and I want to protect myself. Three things come out of that.
The first is that I convince myself that I don’t need love that much. I’m more mature than that and I’m fine without it. I can just go through this world on my own. I can have relationships but when all is said and done, I don’t need it. I’m good. In fact, the world is needy. All these people are needing love from me. Come on, I’m fine without it. And I sell myself on this. I believe this for a long time.
Another thing that happens is that my world reflects what I’ve set up. So even in my relationships that are really close to me, I’ve picked safe people. They’ve got their own wall and they’re going to love up until there. I’ve got mine and I’m going to love up until there. And we’re going to love each other, but we’re not going to have a deep love connection. And in those moments when I crave one, there isn’t anybody there and I feel lonely. I feel alone.
People know me but they don’t know me and know who I am, because I’m hiding behind that wall. And people who really want in there and want to have a loving connection with me find me absent and hard to connect with. So my world starts looking like exactly how I set it up to look.
The last thing that happens is that the people who I want love from the most have no idea that I want to be loved more. I look like I’ve got it all together. She’s fine. She doesn’t need anything. They have no way of knowing. I’ve given them no indication. I haven’t told them that I crave more love, because I have created this wall and this persona of somebody who’s all good by herself.
That’s fine and I could have spent my whole life being that person, somebody who isn’t capable of loving other people as much as they need to be loved. But I’m a mother, so I would basically be passing something on to my children that I’ve craved in my life.
So eventually it became not okay. Eventually, I woke up. And this happens to people. You go through your life behind your wall and suddenly you come to a point where you think, “I change my mind. I change my mind! I know I said I was fine by myself and I know I said I didn’t need anybody and I didn’t need love, but now I’m lonely and I want it. I want to be lovingly connected to other people.” Or rather than change your mind, maybe you just woke up to something you wanted all along and you hadn’t acknowledged.
So great! Now you’re different. I’m changed. I’m ready for loving connections. Bring on the loving connections. Show me the love. And this is all happening inside and nobody knows. Nobody knows that you’re different. Nobody knows that you want loving connections. They are accustomed to what they’ve seen, what you’ve shown them, who you are to them. Somebody who doesn’t need it, who can be fine all by themselves behind their fortress.
What you have to do at that point is something that requires a lot of courage. That is to lead with love. You can’t wait with love. You can’t wait for love. Because nobody knows you’re there waiting. You have to lead with love. You have to start going to those relationships where you want to have a loving connection and say, “I know maybe you don’t know this, but I really want more. I want to be connected to you in a loving way.”
It’s scary and it’s vulnerable and it’s risk-taking. And guess what? They may not respond. Some of the relationships in your life may never change. People go through their whole lives hiding behind their wall.
But some of them will change. Some of those relationships will turn into deeper lovingly connected relationships. And new relationships that come in get to see a whole new you, get to experience a whole new you. And even in the ones where you led with love and didn’t get the response that you wanted, you’re different. Instead of choosing to hide behind your wall and not say anything, you made a new pattern. You strengthened a new habit. You were willing to say, “Hey, I want this.” The more you are willing to do that, the easier it becomes to lead with love and opens these channels between you and other people. The more channels you open, the more it comes at you from different places. It’s here. It’s there. It’s everywhere, because you’re not hiding anymore behind your wall.
But it’s not easy. It’s not easy to step out and say, “Hey, actually, the thing is I really do want to be loved this way and I want to love you this way.”
For all of you people out there who are hiding behind a wall, like I had been for a long time, are you willing to take a risk? Are you willing to lead with love? Are you willing to step out and test the waters and see who is going to respond and who else is looking for a loving connection with you?
That is a huge challenge, but a powerful one and one well worth accepting if you want to bring more love into your life and get it flowing everywhere.